barty barty bartok

Here's another one of the pieces I'm doing.  I probably won't have time to do all 6 dances - right now I'm just working on the first 3.  I've barely begun, and of course I'm performing them in my masterclass on Wednesday (right before a midterm)!  I'm having such a hard time with this performing thing.  There's this one guy who faithfully comes in to listen to me play, and every time it ends with me having to say, "Sorry - I don't know what to say!  This just isn't working out!"

Seriously.  I've never even had it this bad before.  It's like I'm completely debilitated, and I don't know what to do about it!  I'm happy with my performance when I practice, and then I try to do it in FRONT of someone, and it all falls apart.  It's so bizarre, and I don't know how to get rid of it!  I think, probably, the more people I hear, the more the "lie" that I suck is reinforced.  I really don't want to bomb at masterclass on Wednesday, but I really don't know how to control that anymore.  HELP!  Please, please, force me to play for you!  I'm playing for Jess on Friday.  I don't know how else to get over this.

All that aside... cool little dances, eh?  I can assure you they're WAY more fun to play than to listen to.

I'd better get studying.  I know I've said it a million times now, but please pray for me.  Everything about school is SO GREAT, but this performance aspect is really sucking the life out of me.  I feel almost defeated.  Which is not like me, because I like to try my best and FIGHT - it's just that I've BEEN trying and fighting this entire time - I've been practicing more than I'm required to, and journalling about all this, and declaring Scriptures to stand on... I have no idea what ELSE to do!