gross dinner... love... and whatever else comes to mind

I'm eating a Michelina's Advantage Bowl right now. Well, I'm not actually eating the BOWL. That's just what the meal is called. It's fairly disgusting. It says on the box "Advantage = one full serving of vegetables". I almost feel ashamed to be getting a serving of vegetables this way...

Although, a couple weeks ago I had a Lean Cuisine SPA (ooo! these trendy things we buy into!) meal, and it was REALLY good. A chicken alfredo thing... and the broccoli was nice, and plentiful. I feel like a REAL student when I eat microwaveable meals. Desperate times call for desperate measures... I guess...

Can you tell that I'm purposefully avoiding studying right now?

I have my theory midterm tomorrow... this is the biggie for me, just because it's important to me that I ACE it. I mean, music history is REALLY the biggie - it is INSANE how much we're expected to memorize both factually and musically - many CENTURIES of music! - so I'm just expecting to not be able to do especially well on it, like everyone else in the entire history of this course. As I type, I'm listening to the examples I'm supposed to have memorized enough to analyze after hearing a 5 second clip. Some are pretty cool, actually... but there are SO MANY. And then there's the actual text book, hand book, and anthology. About, I don't know, 300 pages of material to study. No PROBLEM! I am a super hero, after all.

It was so interesting, in light of the impending holiday of shame coming up on Saturday (just kidding, I'm not ashamed), observing a certain elderly couple this afternoon. I was studying, as I often do, at the big Tim Horton's in St. Jacob's (I like to get away from any and all students whenever I can to reestablish a feeling of normality... right or wrong, it really helps me stay sane!). I couldn't help but overhear this couple's conversation... and I guess I couldn't help staring at them, either! Ha. Anyway, the conversation was nothing fancy, in fact, it was pretty mundane. The man was asking his wife about when she got her teeth (false ones)! I know this is weird, but what I was picking up, even through their body language, was that they really cared about each other. I know a lot of people my age who wouldn't give a crap about something to do with my teeth... we just couldn't even HAVE that conversation unless I made it funny or weird or insanely interesting. But this couple was talking about false teeth, and what she thought had caused another health problem... and the husband was totally into it. They looked so comfortable with each other, and they really listened to each other. They never interrupted, and seemed so INTO ever little thing the other one had to say. I wasn't observing a heck of a lot of passion, but I was observing intense commitment - just think of all they've been through together - and total comfort. They seemed like quite a pair - and they were so kind and respectful to each other.

I don't really know what I'm saying, other than that relationships that last like that are really beautiful. I think I'm craving THAT much more than the early stages of a relationship. I'm so excited to be fully committed to someone. I feel BORN to be wholeheartedly committed to things, and especially a person. Or maybe the longing to be in covenant with someone is going to be exclusively experienced with the Lord. I'm okay with that, too... I kind of just wish I KNEW whether marriage is part of His will for my life or not. In a way, I'm really just living like I'm NOT going to get married, so my heart can have its focus fully on Jesus. If he brings a man into my life, then awesome! I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, and gladly! But I've said with all my heart to God that if there isn't a man of INTEGRITY who is truly after His heart out there for me, then I don't want to get married. I don't want less than that - I just don't see the point!

Something tells me, though, that marriage is part of the package for me. I can't tell you why, other than the fact that there was one time I dared to ask God about my husband, and He told me He loves this man because "he just doesn't give up!" So unless I made that up, I guess there's a really tenacious guy out there somewhere! Which is kind of scary, since I too am particularly tenacious! Some have said stubborn. I'm saying tenacious.

But then there was a dream I had where a person (who I've always said was a "type" of person I'd love to marry) prophesied over me that I was NOT to be married.

Sooo... I have no idea.

It's hilarious, because I think I've gotten on the subject because I've been proudly proclaiming to everybody that I don't care at all about this love thing, especially on Valentine's day. But the truth is, I kind of do care. But I'm much stronger and more satisfied with being devoted only to the Lord than ever before in my life. I just can't deny that there's still a part of me that longs for human relationship. But He's really taking me through the desert on this one, and I'm already leaning...

But who can manage a relationship as a music student at Laurier?! SERIOUSLY.

And speaking of music... THEORY... I'd better get at it. Sorry these posts are so random and such a procrastination tool... and thank you for indulging me!