I guess "becoming" could also turn into "beak o' Minh"... for those of you who know Minh... oh well. I don't think Minh reads this, but... I bet Chris n' the Babies and Nastaniel will like it. (Do you remember the Nastaniel birthday card, Dan? Glory days. I'm tellin' ya. Boy have I ever digressed.)
Anyway, the point of BECOMING is that I think I may be becoming kind of normal in certain regards. Maybe the pendulum is a little off centre at this point (and when I say 'maybe', I mean I KNOW it's off at the moment), but in terms of school work and attending classes, I am more normal than I've been ever since I can remember! I'm not letting myself go by any means. I work REALLY hard. But I've been skipping a lot of stuff lately... mostly classes, but also some concerts, and even (drumroll, please) on some days (I can't believe this), PRACTICING! Now, this may sound foolishly rebellious, but you don't understand... I mean going from 7 days of faithful practice a week to 5 1/2 or 6 a week. And when I skip stuff, it's not to lounge around, it's to manage all the million other things on my plate. I have more than a full course load this term, and I've discovered that it's literally impossible to handle all of it at once unless I cut my sleep down to about 5 hours a night. But I'm not willing to do that! So... yeah. I promise I'm not being needlessly slack. I'm simply learning that certain decisions that are labeled "bad" are actually wise at times, and I won't be put in jail for making them.
Anyway, this is all coming from the girl who never skipped a class in her entire life other than when piano competitions/musicals etc. got too overwhelming in high school and her Mom would write her teachers notes to excuse her from their classes to get other work done. This has been my life. So finishing my composition during psychology class feels like a walk on the WILD SIDE for me! Hahaha... or sleeping in 'til 7:45! WOO!
I also say IN FAITH that I'm becoming a little more stabilized in terms of the fear I struggle with in regards to performance. It's still my biggest "giant", and I still wrestle with it to a ridiculous extent. But I just BELIEVE that it's only a matter of time until the battle is going to be over. I just KNOW that's what God wants to do, and is doing.
I'm performing in my master class tomorrow... a "blah" experience for the other students, and a MONUMENTAL experience for me. Though it's out of my control whether or not my nerves totally butcher my piece as in the past... I'm somehow able more than ever to be at peace with that. I'm starting to believe that it's not the end of the world. I think that's because I'm also starting to believe that I have talent, whether it shines through in this type of situation OR NOT! What a journey. What a crazy obstacle course! I know you guys can't get into my head to understand how this feels. I must sound so silly to you - but believe me, this is like my own personal Goliath. BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT STORY GOES! I just need to learn to take on the "David" mindset and FIGHT rather than cower in fear without doing anything as the taunting goes on and the days pass! Wow, preach it, Bekoming! Preach it! Hahaha...
After all that talk of how rebellious I am, I need to go and do homework. I'm not as cool as I made myself out to be. Haha... isn't that so weird and sad that one of the unspoken aspects of being cool is defying rules and authority? Yikes. But that's not MY definition of cool.
Actually, just a thought to leave you with, which Naomi and I used to talk about a lot... what IS cool? I mean, get your thoughts centered on God and then think about it. He's the author of true coolness... and what IS that? What is so attractive about this thing we call cool? Cool music, cool art, cool attitudes... how is He cool, by our definition? Oooh, here's a fun thing to try - I do it all the time - pick a song that you think is SO SO SO COOL - you know, the kind you'd want to blast in your car with the windows down on a lovely summer day driving down a 2 lane highway in the country. You got me? Okay, so play that song loud, and then (unless you've picked a totally evil or gross song that has horrible ungodly lyrics) start thinking about Jesus with it on - focus totally on Him. Maybe this only works for me, but... I start seeing Him in ways I've never known before... He is SO COOL! And cool for Him is the ultimate - it usually has to do with His creativity, or His tenacity, or His uncompromising truth, or His might, or His humour, or His "hero" nature, or even His bold, zealous love etc. etc. etc... anyway, you should try it.
It also makes me think... come on, guys! Is all the coolest sounding music secular? GEEZ! I want to worship extravagantly to something that is amazingly COOL sounding - see how THAT feels corporately. I don't think I've EVER had that, at least according to the style I'm talking about (which, hilariously, is more along the lines of classic rock). I promise you this isn't sacreligious (to the pure all things are pure, right?), but just IMAGINE if "a whole lotta love" (horrible, I know) by Led Zeppelin had NEVER been written by that band, and at HCF Dan had come up with that exact music and lyrics that glorify God. HOLY CRAP! That would be POWERFUL!!!! Like, blow your mind powerful! I've never had a chance EVER to worship Him corporately that way! Or is it just me? Why doesn't Jesus ever get to be sung to (especially in WORSHIP rather than just Christian songs) to that kind of music? Can you imagine? And it's not like it would be hard to do. I don't even GET why it's not being done! And I don't just mean that style... but all the styles we crave in our CD players... imagine that golden musical material used in worship? I'm not dissing the Christian music world - for goodness' sake, I'm part of it! I'm just not aware of too much variety. But... you know... when all is said and done (and this is coming from a musician and music lover), I'd WAY rather settle for boring sounding worship music with exciting spiritual depth than awesome music that makes me feel disgusting. ANY day. I've got the rest of eternity to experience awesome music used in worship, so... whatever, I guess. Though I really do want to see this happen somehow now!
That was so off topic.
4 comments:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e0EQlQXoEo
Glad to hear you're becoming more normal! I definitely find bed to be a very valid passtime, and make it a priority, myself.
Hope your master class goes well. What are you playing?
LOVE YOU
Yeah, I'm totally with Jess, your on your way to being a regular university student that's so exciting to me! Also, I'm totally with you, for years I've been wondering why we don't write some seriously bada** music for worship... I guess then we'd have to refer to it as something else. But never-the-less, this should be done! Have an awesome week, and keep skippin! haha I'm going to be a great teacher... wow this isn't the first time I wrote that... haha
hey jess and chris n' the babies! greetings also to anonymous!
jess... HI! how's life going? it's been too long! to answer your question, i played rachmaninoff... it went well, though the piano sucked (it was like the steinway at my audition - really hard to play loud in the upper register, which as you know, takes quite a bite out of the elegie!). i don't feel MUCH about it, actually... maybe part of becoming a little more normal? or maybe i'm in shock?
chrisn'... i know, you're always mad that i practice too much, you're such a weirdo! you were right all along. and it's not really about the amount of time... it's about the motivation. there's nothing wrong with practicing way too much if i WANT to, but if it's out of panic, then it's bad!
on another note, why don't we just call it "bada" music from now on?
i miss both of you... and as for anonymous... if i knew who you were, maybe i'd miss you too!
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